Something with which you struggle.
I've started this entry several times. The doctor said it should be an easy one for me. I over-thought it and wrote out all sorts of rambling, heart-wrenching things that I ended up erasing.
Then I realized that what I struggle with the most is fairly simple to sum up.
I struggle with letting go.
I struggle with letting go of people in both my present and past that should no longer have a hold over me. I struggle with letting go of things that have happened in my life that I will never be able to rectify- bad decisions, things that I consider failures on my part. I struggle with letting go of things that have even the slightest bit of significance, even if it's significantly bad. I struggle with letting go of vices and habits that are not beneficial to me in any shape or form (when played as vices and habits). The doc says to get happy. Then it's recreation. Something to enjoy. Not a crutch.
I also struggle with incomplete sentences. Always have. ( ;
Short and sweet.
Let go.
::
Move forward.
And repeat after me with your heart:
"I no longer need you to fuck me as hard as I hated myself."
Make love to me
like you know I am better than the worst thing I ever did.
::
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
May the wind always be at your back and the sun upon your face. And may the wings of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars.
Alrighty. The topic of the day issssss....
Something you regret not having done last year.
I'll open with a quote from an amazing movie.
So, in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. -Blow
I could go in so many different directions with this topic. I've been feeling fairly inspired and motivated today and I'd rather not spend my evening reflecting on the should haves and could haves, since I can't change anything. However, I think that a brief reflection might be beneficial in helping to prevent me from having the same regret(s) next year/month/week/whatever.
Obviously, I regret not saving the life of my best friend. He made the decision to leave us all behind and I regret any part that I played or didn't play in his life that ultimately led up to him making that decision. The last bit of our life together seems to be on an endless loop in my head. But, that's just it. It's a loop. It will only ever be a loop. It will never go forward or get better. It just is what it is.
I have realized that there IS something that is NOT stuck on a loop that I CAN work on.
I spent over half of the year missing out on every beautiful thing and person in my life, because I was obsessing over the people that were missing from my life.
I can't promise to not obsess anymore. I don't want to make promises that I am not confident that I can keep. But, I am going to try to remember to enjoy the little things and the people that I love.
I missed out on a lot. I failed hard at coping and being a source of strength for my family. I was too consumed by my own self-pity to really be able to address their pain, grief, joy, accomplishments.... their lives.
So, regrets that can be resolved...
I regret not laughing more. I regret not hugging and snuggling my children more. I regret not being more patient and I regret that I was so "sedated" for the majority of the year. I regret not being available to the people who needed me, because I was too busy being needy.
I regret not living and just merely existing for most of the year. Existing and living are not the same thing.
I'm sure I'll be down again, but for the moment I'm sort of up and aiming for better days. My family is beautiful and I want to be beautiful for them. They deserve no less.
So, I'll end with another quote from "Blow".
Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on.
((This doesn't mean that I don't miss the taste, smell, and feel of his skin. It just means that I don't want the spend the rest of my life missing everything else that's precious to me.))
Something you regret not having done last year.
I'll open with a quote from an amazing movie.
So, in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. -Blow
I could go in so many different directions with this topic. I've been feeling fairly inspired and motivated today and I'd rather not spend my evening reflecting on the should haves and could haves, since I can't change anything. However, I think that a brief reflection might be beneficial in helping to prevent me from having the same regret(s) next year/month/week/whatever.
Obviously, I regret not saving the life of my best friend. He made the decision to leave us all behind and I regret any part that I played or didn't play in his life that ultimately led up to him making that decision. The last bit of our life together seems to be on an endless loop in my head. But, that's just it. It's a loop. It will only ever be a loop. It will never go forward or get better. It just is what it is.
I have realized that there IS something that is NOT stuck on a loop that I CAN work on.
I spent over half of the year missing out on every beautiful thing and person in my life, because I was obsessing over the people that were missing from my life.
I can't promise to not obsess anymore. I don't want to make promises that I am not confident that I can keep. But, I am going to try to remember to enjoy the little things and the people that I love.
I missed out on a lot. I failed hard at coping and being a source of strength for my family. I was too consumed by my own self-pity to really be able to address their pain, grief, joy, accomplishments.... their lives.
So, regrets that can be resolved...
I regret not laughing more. I regret not hugging and snuggling my children more. I regret not being more patient and I regret that I was so "sedated" for the majority of the year. I regret not being available to the people who needed me, because I was too busy being needy.
I regret not living and just merely existing for most of the year. Existing and living are not the same thing.
I'm sure I'll be down again, but for the moment I'm sort of up and aiming for better days. My family is beautiful and I want to be beautiful for them. They deserve no less.
So, I'll end with another quote from "Blow".
Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on.
((This doesn't mean that I don't miss the taste, smell, and feel of his skin. It just means that I don't want the spend the rest of my life missing everything else that's precious to me.))
Thursday, February 2, 2012
go slow. i'm new at this.
So, I found this writing challenge, instead.
Day 01: Something you're looking forward to this year.
Day 02: Something you regret not having done last year.
Day 03: Something with which you struggle.
Day 04: Something that is part of your routine that you enjoy.
Day 05: Something in life that gives you balance.
Day 06: Something that excites you and fills you with joy.
Day 07: Vacation Hiatus
Day 08: Vacation Hiatus
Day 09: Vacation Hiatus
Day 10: Something at which you've been a champion or the best.
Day 11: Something about which people seem to compliment you.
Day 12: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
Day 13: Discuss some of the things on your bucket list.
Day 14: Someone who has made your life worth living.
Day 15: A band/musical artist whose music impacted your life.
Day 16: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 17: Someone with whom you shared a friendship/relationship that simply drifted out of your life.
Day 18: Someone you met randomly that's made an impact on your life.
Day 19: Something that shook your belief system to its core (a big disappointment in your life).
Day 20: Discuss your favorite movie and why it's so special to you.
Day 21: Write about your best friend (not significant other) and what makes them special.
Day 22: Describe a dark/turbulent moment in your life.
Day 23: Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life.
Day 24: Discuss a spontaneous moment in your life that that turned out to be fantastic.
Day 25: Discuss something you planned that ended up not being what you expected.
Day 26: How do you handle/deal with both success and failure?
Day 27: What is your vocation (why are you here on earth)?
Day 28: What is your biggest dream in life (what one great thing do you want to accomplish)?
Day 29: What WAS your biggest dream in life (you wanted to do as a kid but no longer can)?
Day 30: Someone in your family that means so much to you.
Day 31: Epilogue: Write a letter to yourself.
It looks like more fun than the one I was going to do. And since I'm fickle and whatnot, I'm going to do this one instead.
Pineapple Pacman approves.
So, here goes!
Something you're looking forward to this year.
As I said in my last post, I've been pretty bitter and cynical for a while now. Things don't seem to work out the way that I hope or anticipate. So, I'm going to keep it real, not aim too terribly high, since I fear the anxiety that accompanies the disappointment I feel when things don't work out.
I'm looking forward to my next cup of coffee.
I'm looking forward to establishing better relationships with the people that I love. I have been too absorbed in my own self-loathing and pity to thoroughly enjoy the amazing people that are in my life.
I'm looking forward to warmer weather, sundresses, and planting a little garden. The cold makes me sad. And sedentary.
I'm holding out hope for a Mississippi visit this spring or summer. That would be pretty fantastic. I miss my family.
If I can squeeze in an awesome concert with awesome company somewhere along the way this year that would be pretty cool. It's been far too long since I've had a live music experience.
I'm looking forward to taking control of myself again. I think I can do it. I need to get a grip on my mental and physical health before it gets much worse. Actually, I'm dreading having to do this, but looking forward to the end result. I have many demons to slay.
I'm excited to watch the children grow and learn and blossom into even cooler little people. I don't know how they manage to do it, but they never cease to amaze me with their unending awesomeness.
This is starting to sound generic.
Reading over the list of topics that I am hoping to commit to writing about has actually made me a bit anxious. Some of those are intimidating subject matters!
Meh. I have coffee now and Linus is asking me to dance with him.
Day 01: Something you're looking forward to this year.
Day 02: Something you regret not having done last year.
Day 03: Something with which you struggle.
Day 04: Something that is part of your routine that you enjoy.
Day 05: Something in life that gives you balance.
Day 06: Something that excites you and fills you with joy.
Day 07: Vacation Hiatus
Day 08: Vacation Hiatus
Day 09: Vacation Hiatus
Day 10: Something at which you've been a champion or the best.
Day 11: Something about which people seem to compliment you.
Day 12: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
Day 13: Discuss some of the things on your bucket list.
Day 14: Someone who has made your life worth living.
Day 15: A band/musical artist whose music impacted your life.
Day 16: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 17: Someone with whom you shared a friendship/relationship that simply drifted out of your life.
Day 18: Someone you met randomly that's made an impact on your life.
Day 19: Something that shook your belief system to its core (a big disappointment in your life).
Day 20: Discuss your favorite movie and why it's so special to you.
Day 21: Write about your best friend (not significant other) and what makes them special.
Day 22: Describe a dark/turbulent moment in your life.
Day 23: Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life.
Day 24: Discuss a spontaneous moment in your life that that turned out to be fantastic.
Day 25: Discuss something you planned that ended up not being what you expected.
Day 26: How do you handle/deal with both success and failure?
Day 27: What is your vocation (why are you here on earth)?
Day 28: What is your biggest dream in life (what one great thing do you want to accomplish)?
Day 29: What WAS your biggest dream in life (you wanted to do as a kid but no longer can)?
Day 30: Someone in your family that means so much to you.
Day 31: Epilogue: Write a letter to yourself.
It looks like more fun than the one I was going to do. And since I'm fickle and whatnot, I'm going to do this one instead.
Pineapple Pacman approves.
So, here goes!
Something you're looking forward to this year.
As I said in my last post, I've been pretty bitter and cynical for a while now. Things don't seem to work out the way that I hope or anticipate. So, I'm going to keep it real, not aim too terribly high, since I fear the anxiety that accompanies the disappointment I feel when things don't work out.
I'm looking forward to my next cup of coffee.
I'm looking forward to establishing better relationships with the people that I love. I have been too absorbed in my own self-loathing and pity to thoroughly enjoy the amazing people that are in my life.
I'm looking forward to warmer weather, sundresses, and planting a little garden. The cold makes me sad. And sedentary.
I'm holding out hope for a Mississippi visit this spring or summer. That would be pretty fantastic. I miss my family.
If I can squeeze in an awesome concert with awesome company somewhere along the way this year that would be pretty cool. It's been far too long since I've had a live music experience.
I'm looking forward to taking control of myself again. I think I can do it. I need to get a grip on my mental and physical health before it gets much worse. Actually, I'm dreading having to do this, but looking forward to the end result. I have many demons to slay.
I'm excited to watch the children grow and learn and blossom into even cooler little people. I don't know how they manage to do it, but they never cease to amaze me with their unending awesomeness.
This is starting to sound generic.
Reading over the list of topics that I am hoping to commit to writing about has actually made me a bit anxious. Some of those are intimidating subject matters!
Meh. I have coffee now and Linus is asking me to dance with him.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
three years ago
I wrote one entry on this blog site. I wrote about the beauty and brilliance of my other, my soul mate, my love, my heart. It was heart wrenching to stumble upon this blog out of the blue. More than anything in the world I wish I could escape to the time that I wrote that entry. I want to lie next to him now and feel his skin, watch him sleep, and breathe. And live. Something tangible to hold on to. I have high hopes for time travel. Or inter-dimensional travel. Or whatever it would take to get to that place or some place very similar.
I'm going to say that I'm going to do one of those blog challenge things. Ideally I would post every day on a topic that I am given. But, honestly, I may never post here again. It may be three years again before I do, if I do. Or I may finish the challenge! One never can tell. My motivation comes in waves, after all, like most things in my life. Up and down, round and round. Wavy circles!
Anyway.
The first challenge is to write about yourself. I can't even begin to have an idea of what defines me as a person...especially to other people. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like to know, actually.
So, anyway, I figure the whole write about yourself thing is just a free pass to ramble!
READYSETGO!
"check under the covers" was a reference to a Cloud Cult song. It was "our" Cloud Cult song.
"Check under the covers just to make sure he's still sleeping there."
He's not. And he never will again.
So, who am I?
I can separate my life into some very definite categories. There are the experiences that happened when life was real. And then there are the things that have happened since everything I thought I knew became undeniably distorted.
I'm closer in years of age to 26 than I am to 25. This makes me feel a bit panicky, I'm not even going to lie. I'm all kinds of distraught about it. At the same time, I'm not sure I can be bothered to care much at all. Haha.
I have three amazing children who love me as unconditionally as I love them. They overwhelm me. They stress me. They amaze me. They humble me. They give me purpose.
I ache inside and out for people that I will never see or touch again. I live in the past and I am missing the present and the future because of it. Instead of enjoying the little things that I should be enjoying I get super anxious and dwell on the fact that certain people will never get to enjoy whatever little thing it is that I should be enjoying. Then, I'm sad because I missed out on something else that I can never get back. Every beautiful bit of life that I encounter lately just makes me feel more and more cynical. Bitter. Heavy. Circles. See?
I abuse myself with sad music. The music that I do listen to and will continue to discover and listen to is and will be amazing, though. Just saying.
I crochet when I can find the motivation.
I love to read, but everything seems to bring me down.
I have a love/hate relationship with food. I have deep respect for the good stuff though. We avoid consuming the animal laden, ultra processed, pre-packaged, standard American diet (the sad).
I love to make foods and things grow. Gardens make me giddy.
My three year old son, sometimes referred to as Bam Bam or Sweet Baboo (depending on the specific situation), had a meltdown earlier (hence the Bam Bam reference) simply because "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + The Machine wasn't playing. He put a blue plastic crate on top of the pink Wii controller in a raging fit. He also threw his cape onto the floor. And there it remains... in a sad, crumpled, defeated heap. Sigh.
The point is, I get how he feels. I so totally get that. I've raged for far less serious reasons than a Florence + The Machine deficiency. I quickly added the song to my playlist for Sweet Baboo and rectified the situation.
I think that kind of sums up how I've been feeling lately. It seems that most things that happen (or don't happen) to me are quite tantrum-worthy, given the circumstances surrounding the situations. Or maybe that's just me being narcissistic. As if anything that happens to me matters in the big picture...? haha.
I want to live life consciously, but I often let stress and grief complicate my ahimsa philosophy that I once hoped to live my life by.
Ahimsa means "do no harm".
I reckon that would have to apply to oneself as well. If I'm harming myself through life style choices or thought processes, then I am not at my best for the people that I love.
It is what it is.
I try.
I really do...
Most of the time.
This doesn't really get you any closer to knowing me or anything about me. It's pretty lame. Thanks for taking the time to read it, if you did. ( :
I'm going to say that I'm going to do one of those blog challenge things. Ideally I would post every day on a topic that I am given. But, honestly, I may never post here again. It may be three years again before I do, if I do. Or I may finish the challenge! One never can tell. My motivation comes in waves, after all, like most things in my life. Up and down, round and round. Wavy circles!
Anyway.
The first challenge is to write about yourself. I can't even begin to have an idea of what defines me as a person...especially to other people. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like to know, actually.
So, anyway, I figure the whole write about yourself thing is just a free pass to ramble!
READYSETGO!
"check under the covers" was a reference to a Cloud Cult song. It was "our" Cloud Cult song.
"Check under the covers just to make sure he's still sleeping there."
He's not. And he never will again.
So, who am I?
I can separate my life into some very definite categories. There are the experiences that happened when life was real. And then there are the things that have happened since everything I thought I knew became undeniably distorted.
I'm closer in years of age to 26 than I am to 25. This makes me feel a bit panicky, I'm not even going to lie. I'm all kinds of distraught about it. At the same time, I'm not sure I can be bothered to care much at all. Haha.
I have three amazing children who love me as unconditionally as I love them. They overwhelm me. They stress me. They amaze me. They humble me. They give me purpose.
I ache inside and out for people that I will never see or touch again. I live in the past and I am missing the present and the future because of it. Instead of enjoying the little things that I should be enjoying I get super anxious and dwell on the fact that certain people will never get to enjoy whatever little thing it is that I should be enjoying. Then, I'm sad because I missed out on something else that I can never get back. Every beautiful bit of life that I encounter lately just makes me feel more and more cynical. Bitter. Heavy. Circles. See?
I abuse myself with sad music. The music that I do listen to and will continue to discover and listen to is and will be amazing, though. Just saying.
I crochet when I can find the motivation.
I love to read, but everything seems to bring me down.
I have a love/hate relationship with food. I have deep respect for the good stuff though. We avoid consuming the animal laden, ultra processed, pre-packaged, standard American diet (the sad).
I love to make foods and things grow. Gardens make me giddy.
My three year old son, sometimes referred to as Bam Bam or Sweet Baboo (depending on the specific situation), had a meltdown earlier (hence the Bam Bam reference) simply because "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + The Machine wasn't playing. He put a blue plastic crate on top of the pink Wii controller in a raging fit. He also threw his cape onto the floor. And there it remains... in a sad, crumpled, defeated heap. Sigh.
The point is, I get how he feels. I so totally get that. I've raged for far less serious reasons than a Florence + The Machine deficiency. I quickly added the song to my playlist for Sweet Baboo and rectified the situation.
I think that kind of sums up how I've been feeling lately. It seems that most things that happen (or don't happen) to me are quite tantrum-worthy, given the circumstances surrounding the situations. Or maybe that's just me being narcissistic. As if anything that happens to me matters in the big picture...? haha.
I want to live life consciously, but I often let stress and grief complicate my ahimsa philosophy that I once hoped to live my life by.
Ahimsa means "do no harm".
I reckon that would have to apply to oneself as well. If I'm harming myself through life style choices or thought processes, then I am not at my best for the people that I love.
It is what it is.
I try.
I really do...
Most of the time.
This doesn't really get you any closer to knowing me or anything about me. It's pretty lame. Thanks for taking the time to read it, if you did. ( :
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
i can't compete
A few hours ago I found myself wedged between two very lovely boys, listening to their breathing, skin against mine, peaceful, content, and yet I still couldn't lay my mind to rest.
I've spent the last couple of hours browsing through my husband's writing and falling in love with him again. I can't help it. He has such a captivating mind. I envy it. Truly.
I attempted to write something.
Then I realized that I suck.
I remember a time in my life that I fancied myself a writer. That is to say... I imagined that I could put thoughts together in a pretty way. Upon meeting my dearest husband I realized that I'm undeniably lame in the ways of the written word.
I disappoint myself. What I wouldn't give to be able to spew sentiment at the drop of a hat.
I've spent the last couple of hours browsing through my husband's writing and falling in love with him again. I can't help it. He has such a captivating mind. I envy it. Truly.
I attempted to write something.
Then I realized that I suck.
I remember a time in my life that I fancied myself a writer. That is to say... I imagined that I could put thoughts together in a pretty way. Upon meeting my dearest husband I realized that I'm undeniably lame in the ways of the written word.
I disappoint myself. What I wouldn't give to be able to spew sentiment at the drop of a hat.
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