May the wind always be at your back and the sun upon your face. And may the wings of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars.

Alrighty. The topic of the day issssss....

Something you regret not having done last year.

I'll open with a quote from an amazing movie.

So, in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. -Blow

I could go in so many different directions with this topic. I've been feeling fairly inspired and motivated today and I'd rather not spend my evening reflecting on the should haves and could haves, since I can't change anything. However, I think that a brief reflection might be beneficial in helping to prevent me from having the same regret(s) next year/month/week/whatever.

Obviously, I regret not saving the life of my best friend. He made the decision to leave us all behind and I regret any part that I played or didn't play in his life that ultimately led up to him making that decision. The last bit of our life together seems to be on an endless loop in my head. But, that's just it. It's a loop. It will only ever be a loop. It will never go forward or get better. It just is what it is.

I have realized that there IS something that is NOT stuck on a loop that I CAN work on.

I spent over half of the year missing out on every beautiful thing and person in my life, because I was obsessing over the people that were missing from my life.

I can't promise to not obsess anymore. I don't want to make promises that I am not confident that I can keep. But, I am going to try to remember to enjoy the little things and the people that I love.

I missed out on a lot. I failed hard at coping and being a source of strength for my family. I was too consumed by my own self-pity to really be able to address their pain, grief, joy, accomplishments.... their lives.

So, regrets that can be resolved...

I regret not laughing more. I regret not hugging and snuggling my children more. I regret not being more patient and I regret that I was so "sedated" for the majority of the year. I regret not being available to the people who needed me, because I was too busy being needy.

I regret not living and just merely existing for most of the year. Existing and living are not the same thing.

I'm sure I'll be down again, but for the moment I'm sort of up and aiming for better days. My family is beautiful and I want to be beautiful for them. They deserve no less.

So, I'll end with another quote from "Blow".

Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on.


((This doesn't mean that I don't miss the taste, smell, and feel of his skin. It just means that I don't want the spend the rest of my life missing everything else that's precious to me.))