three years ago

I wrote one entry on this blog site. I wrote about the beauty and brilliance of my other, my soul mate, my love, my heart. It was heart wrenching to stumble upon this blog out of the blue. More than anything in the world I wish I could escape to the time that I wrote that entry. I want to lie next to him now and feel his skin, watch him sleep, and breathe. And live. Something tangible to hold on to. I have high hopes for time travel. Or inter-dimensional travel. Or whatever it would take to get to that place or some place very similar.

I'm going to say that I'm going to do one of those blog challenge things. Ideally I would post every day on a topic that I am given. But, honestly, I may never post here again. It may be three years again before I do, if I do. Or I may finish the challenge! One never can tell. My motivation comes in waves, after all, like most things in my life. Up and down, round and round. Wavy circles!


Anyway.

The first challenge is to write about yourself. I can't even begin to have an idea of what defines me as a person...especially to other people. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like to know, actually.

So, anyway, I figure the whole write about yourself thing is just a free pass to ramble!

READYSETGO!

"check under the covers" was a reference to a Cloud Cult song. It was "our" Cloud Cult song.

"Check under the covers just to make sure he's still sleeping there."

He's not. And he never will again.

So, who am I?

I can separate my life into some very definite categories. There are the experiences that happened when life was real. And then there are the things that have happened since everything I thought I knew became undeniably distorted.


I'm closer in years of age to 26 than I am to 25. This makes me feel a bit panicky, I'm not even going to lie. I'm all kinds of distraught about it. At the same time, I'm not sure I can be bothered to care much at all. Haha.

I have three amazing children who love me as unconditionally as I love them. They overwhelm me. They stress me. They amaze me. They humble me. They give me purpose.

I ache inside and out for people that I will never see or touch again. I live in the past and I am missing the present and the future because of it. Instead of enjoying the little things that I should be enjoying I get super anxious and dwell on the fact that certain people will never get to enjoy whatever little thing it is that I should be enjoying. Then, I'm sad because I missed out on something else that I can never get back. Every beautiful bit of life that I encounter lately just makes me feel more and more cynical. Bitter. Heavy. Circles. See?

I abuse myself with sad music. The music that I do listen to and will continue to discover and listen to is and will be amazing, though. Just saying.

I crochet when I can find the motivation.

I love to read, but everything seems to bring me down.

I have a love/hate relationship with food. I have deep respect for the good stuff though. We avoid consuming the animal laden, ultra processed, pre-packaged, standard American diet (the sad).

I love to make foods and things grow. Gardens make me giddy.

My three year old son, sometimes referred to as Bam Bam or Sweet Baboo (depending on the specific situation), had a meltdown earlier (hence the Bam Bam reference) simply because "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + The Machine wasn't playing. He put a blue plastic crate on top of the pink Wii controller in a raging fit. He also threw his cape onto the floor. And there it remains... in a sad, crumpled, defeated heap. Sigh.

The point is, I get how he feels. I so totally get that. I've raged for far less serious reasons than a Florence + The Machine deficiency. I quickly added the song to my playlist for Sweet Baboo and rectified the situation.

I think that kind of sums up how I've been feeling lately. It seems that most things that happen (or don't happen) to me are quite tantrum-worthy, given the circumstances surrounding the situations. Or maybe that's just me being narcissistic. As if anything that happens to me matters in the big picture...? haha.

I want to live life consciously, but I often let stress and grief complicate my ahimsa philosophy that I once hoped to live my life by.

Ahimsa means "do no harm".

I reckon that would have to apply to oneself as well. If I'm harming myself through life style choices or thought processes, then I am not at my best for the people that I love.

It is what it is.

I try.

I really do...



Most of the time.



This doesn't really get you any closer to knowing me or anything about me. It's pretty lame. Thanks for taking the time to read it, if you did. ( :